Another Existential Crisis

In Spain when people answer the phone they usually say Diga?, which means Speak? If you say Hola? when you answer the phone, you will throw things off completely. If you say Diga?, the caller will then properly identify himself. To properly identify himself, a Spaniard named Pedro will say, Soy Pedro, which means I am Pete. So that most telephone conversations, translated, begin like this:

Ring ring.

“Speak?”

“I am Pete. Hello.”

This I am Pete routine takes some getting used to. To an American, I am Pete can sound curious, like Pete is A) a talking toy whose next sentence will be something along the lines of “My favorite color is blue”; B) a man with identity issues practicing his prescribed affirmations; or C) simply a nutjob. But before we get to feeling all high and mighty, we might consider what we normally do in the States, which is to identify ourselves with an It’s Pete. If you do this in Spain (Es Pedro), you will throw things off completely—and rightly so. For Pete to say It is Pete just doesn’t make much sense. When Pete says It is Pete, he is referring to himself not only as an inanimate object, an it, but as an entity separate from himself. When Pete says It is Pete, he is referring to himself in the third person. Now who’s having an existential crisis?

Ring ring.

“Speak?”

“Hey. It’s Pete.”

? ? ?

“Hello? Anybody there? It’s Pete.”

“What is?”

“Huh? What’s what?”

“What is Pete?”

“Do who? It’s Pete. This is Pete.”

“This? What this? What is Pete?”

“Pete is a person. Calling you on the phone. Pete is me. I’m Pete.”

“You? You are Pete?”

“I am Pete.”

“Pete! Why didn’t you say so? What’s happening, bud? Have you been drinking?”

It’s not hard to imagine the who’s-on-first havoc we might wreak if we were to use the American It’s me identifier in Spain. (What is you?, etc.) In Spain a familiar will not say Es yo (It’s me) to identify himself. He will say Soy yo, which means I am me. Though I am me states the obvious, and sounds like the title of an especially awful self-help book, it is perfectly clear, and absolutely true, and may help explain why Spaniards are not especially prone to identity crises.

____________________________________

Charlie Geer is the author of the novel “Outbound: The Curious Secession of Latter-Day Charleston.” His work has appeared in Tin House, The Sun, Bloomsbury Magazine, and The Southern Review.